the alcohol diary.

I got drunk.

I masturbated for 2.5 hours straight.

I orgasmed with barely a whimper...

I feel so...sad.

pull my hair.

I just wanted you so bad.

I can't wait to have you.

shoot your gun

baby, I come undone.

maybe, baby, we should break up.

What the fuck else do I say?

NONE of this is working!

I do want to be with you,

but I'm never fucking with you!

My friends think you're lying.

you're barely alive.

When I look in the mirror I'm almost always disappointed.

There's just so much that could be improved and no easy way of executing it.

I do think I'm pretty, but I'd say it's very unconventional.

damaged i.

I'm feeling boring.

I need something new.

I need something to look at!

I need a piercing,

a tattoo,

a new hair colour,

some new clothes.

It'll be hard doing this with no money.

In order to fix this I need to start buying cheap smokes, stop going out, and only buying alcohol if I plan to actually get trashed that night.

Because that's all my money goes to now.

la la love you.

I keep meaning to ask you about it.

Did you mean it?

Do you usually throw it around?

How much do you mean it?

I say I love people and I suppose my idea of love is very loose (although I am a romantic), but I mean it every time. When I tell a boyfriend I love them I mean it. I'm always afraid it'll scare them off because they don't realize that when I say love I don't mean marriage, kids, and a deep passion and want to be with this person for eternity. When I say I love a boyfriend I do mean that I love them right now and that I honestly do love them up to a degree.

I'm not the best with words and I'm even worse when it comes to explaining myself.

But I meant what I said....

but only to a new-boyfriend-and-girlfriend level for now.

we are turning cursive letters into knives.

I just want to cuddle with someone while they lightly stroke my inner ankle.

It's all I'm asking for.

day in, day out.

I was putting away the groceries when I started bawling my eyes out.

My mom pulled me into my room and hugged me.

With one arm.

It's like she couldn't bear to wrap her arms around me and hold me.

Always half supportive.

And I cried and I told her about feeling depressed and how I'm having trigger memories.

Pull me close and I can hear his whispers.

Touch my hand and I can feel his.

She said that I should be over it and that it's been eight years.

I should be over it and onto different things.

That I'm my own person and no one should be able to make me feel depressed.

No one is making me feel depressed.

I'm making myself depressed.

I told her that I couldn't get over it and she told me that I "dealt" with it already.

I could have fucking laughed in her fucking face.

DEALT WITH IT?! I NEVER GOT TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING.

I DID WHAT MOST YOUNG GIRLS WOULD DO, I FUCKING IGNORED IT AND IT ONLY GOT WORSE.

I'm not fucking better.

I'm sorry I can't just get over the fact that I was sexually abused by your boyfriend while you slept in the next room.

I'm sorry I can't just look at the situation and go "oh well" and then look his son, my brother, in the face and smile.

I'm fucking sorry that you have a worthless piece of shit daughter that's not strong enough to get over her step-father making her touch him at night. I'm sorry that it's all too much for me to ever deal with and that I can't bury it down low so you never have to suffer.

The only thing she could think of was if I was doing hard drugs and sometimes I wonder why I don't.

here we go again.

I honestly believe my mother has given up on us.

Secretly, of course.

I'm back to clenching my teeth and being in constant pain.

bright lights keep shining.

I'm feeling irregularly nostaglic.
I'm missing my exboyfriend.
Well, I'm not missing him....I just miss those times.
I miss going out and doing things.
I'm unhappy.

heart shaped box.

This just isn't fucking working.

as can be.

The sadness is engulfing me.

I'm going to combat it in a tunnel at the Lagoon.

teenage love song.

uhhhhh...

huh.

:\

I don't care for you.

I don't.